One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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