I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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