her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
