She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
