i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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