I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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