My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
