420 ftw
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
