She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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