you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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