woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
