well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
