People in love make me want to vomit
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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