I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
