Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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