I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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