I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
