what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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