Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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