If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
