I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We named our party play list daddy issues
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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