just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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