Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
