After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
