Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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