I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
