good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
