so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
