I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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