sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
