Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
