he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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