I faked an abortion last night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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