Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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