spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
