my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
