if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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