I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
