Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
