That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
