you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
