You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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