Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
