Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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