I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
