Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize