I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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