Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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