i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
