don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
