Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
