No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
