I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
