Yo dont text me then not text me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
