Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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